Do you like to talk dirty during sex?
Ahhhh, dirty talk, a saucy girl’s favourite pastime. I love talking dirty, texting dirty, flirting dirty, and getting my guy all revved up just through my words. I use all of the components of speech to get my point across- sighs, moans, exhales, inhales, words with lots of consonant energy to them (ie: f*ck or sh*t), subtext; the list is pretty much endless and the benefits are numerous. Research has shown that individuals competent in sexual communication tend to experience increased sexual pleasure. In other words, tell her what you’re thinking and you’ll be well on your way to Pleasure Town. Ask her to do the same and, well, you’ll be orbiting the moon in no time flat.
I was able to formulate the top five ways to dirty talk your partner with the help of sex therapist Jacqueline Hellyer. Hellyer is an expert on sexual communication and practises in Australia. Her website is a tremendous resource for inquiring minds and complete deviants alike. Now get your tongue around the following.
1- Respect The Zone
The Zone isn’t a mythical place, it’s an actual reality for a woman who is getting ready to orgasm. During peak times of sexual arousal, a woman’s brain begins to shut down and her ability to communicate is limited. Don’t expect dirty talk when she’s in The Zone. You want her in that receptive space, that diffuse area where time suspends and her limbs tingle. Don’t expect her to start smack talking like a porn star. That’s actually an indication that she’s faking it.
“Guys like to talk when they’re having sex; women don’t seem to if they’re in the Zone,” says Hellyer. “What a lot of people don’t understand about the Zone is that it’s kind of like the left hand side of her brain [where the speech centres are] switches off. That means that for a lot of women it’s actually quite hard for them to speak when they’re in the throes of passion. When a woman gets really receptive and those brain centres turn off and she’s just like “Omigod, omigod!” If she can even manage that…”
2- Don’t fake it
The last thing you want to try to do is try to put on a big show and say a lot of things you don’t believe. I had the experience just the other day, with someone who wasn’t really owning the language. He was asking me if I liked his nice, large member. Something that could be completely sexy, given the right context. Instead, it came out completely false — and I ended up laughing. Not what he wanted to hear.
“If the guy is sounding fake or using language that he doesn’t feel comfortable with it’s going to pull her out of The Zone,” says Hellyer. “Female sexuality is amazing, women can just go to the most extraordinary places but it’s also quite sensitive and you can easily be drawn out of it. If he starts using language that’s not working for her, she’ll come out of The Zone.”
3- Say what you’re feeling
We often stress over what to say and how to talk dirty in a way that’s not offensive to your partner. My simple advice is to just say what you’re feeling, what you’re doing, and what you’re experiencing in the moment, as it happens. Base everything upon what is happening now and see how she responds.
“Don’t use any kind of crude terms at first, just see how she responds to simple, basics like ‘Oh babe, this feels so good’ or ‘You’re so wet’ or ‘This feels amazing,’ says Hellyer. “Get her to warm up to the prospect of you talking during sex by simply dictating what is happening and look for her moans and sighs to indicate whether she’s into it or not. Then once you know you’ve got her, then you can introduce some of the more exciting things to say.”
4- Talk about what works and doesn’t
Go over what worked well and conversely what didn’t, soon after you’ve finished. It’s a great time to talk as the oxytocin is flowing and you’re both feeling relaxed and chatty. This is the time when your woman will be feeling on top of the world and will most likely be pretty damn honest with you (a good thing).
“I always encourage couples to learn to talk about their sex lives. Partly because it helps them to extend the fun — if you had a really good session and you talk about it afterwards. But also because it helps cement what worked well,” says Hellyer. “You might ask her, ‘How did you like it when I was talking to you like that — you seemed to respond well. Would you like me to ramp it up or was it where you felt comfortable?’ Make sure you use really positive language as well. ‘I really loved the way you responded when I did that… I loved the way you touched me there and how did you feel about such and such?’ She’s feeling relaxed and it’s just a really good time to touch base about what is real and authentic to her sexually.”
5- Tease it out of her
“On the whole, women tend to be a bit more restrained than men,” says Hellyer. “Ask her to moan and groan to get her started and if she does say anything or make some sounds affirm her and say, ‘I really love it when you do that,’ or ‘You’re so sexy when you moan…’ Be light about it. She’ll say, ‘Oh really?’ Give her lots of encouragement.”